The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

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[turbobuickltd]

Nine important facts to remember as we grow older:
#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8 Life is sexually transmitted.
[/size]#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
[/size]#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
[/size]#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
[/size]#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
[/size]#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
[/size]#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
[/size]#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may burn your ass tomorrow.

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A bull was deployed for servicing the cows on a farm.

Lady asks the farm manager: "How many times can this bull perform?"

Manager replies: "5 to 6 times in a day".

Lady looks at her husband: "You see?"

Husband asks the manager: "Is it the same cow every time?"

Manager: "No sir it’s a different cow every time."

Man looks back to wife: "You see!"

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An old German man goes to confession one Sunday. He enters the confession, sits down and says "Forgive me Father for I have sinned, and I want to confess". The Priest says "Well my child, what are your sins?". The old man responds "During the war I hid a young Jewish woman from the Nazis in return for sexual favours". The Priest, while surprised, says "It was a difficult time, you risked your life to help this woman despite the immoral exchange". "I understand that father" the old man says "But, do you think I should tell her the war is over?".

[Pyro6]

You're on a roll

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[good2win22]

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them,” demands the wife, and so they
carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and
puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the
price.”
He never knew what hit him

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[Charlief1]

"Today I had to go to Lowe's.

As I approached the entrance, I noticed a female driver looking for a parking space.

I flagged the driver and pointed out a handicap parking space that was open and available.

The driver looked puzzled, rolled down her window and said, "I'm not handicapped!"


Well, as you can imagine, my face was red!

"Oh, I'm sorry," I said. "I saw your 'I'm Ready for Hillary' bumper sticker and just assumed that you suffer from a mental disorder."


She gave me the finger and screamed some nasty names at me. Boy! Some people don't appreciate it when you're just trying to help them."

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[aminga]

 During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward.
 
She said, ‘I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.’
 
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
 
She continued, ‘Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.’
 
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
 
She continued, ‘Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.’ All the men sighed with relief.
 
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.
 
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
 
He said, “I’m Jim.” The entire congregation held its breath.
 
“I just want to tell my beautiful wife, the word is sternum."
 

[Be4u]

www.turbobuick(s).com

 

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A Husband and Wife were getting ready for bed one evening. The woman was looking at herself regretfully in the mirror and stated her wish that her boobs were bigger. "What you should do" said her husband "Is rub toilet paper between your tits every day". "How is that going to help?" she asked. His reply - "It's been working pretty well on your arse".

[larrym]

Where did they find his corpse?


Mobile larrym