The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Charlief1]

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course & heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:
 
 COLD BEER: $5.00
 HAMBURGER: $10.00
 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
 HAND JOBS: $250.00
 
 Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.  She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.  “Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"
 
 The old golfer leans over the bar & whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand-jobs around here?”  She looks into his wrinkled eyes & with a wide smile purrs,  “Yes sir, I sure am.”
 
 The old golfer leans in even closer & into her left ear
 says softly:  “Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[daveismissing]

Ho Ho Ho

[daveismissing]

[Charlief1]

An Englishman, Irishman and a Scot are sitting at the bar, very depressed and getting quietly and properly drunk...

Finally the English man blurts out;-

Damn that woman, My wife's having an affair with a car mechanic - Hidden at the back of the wardrobe, I found a greasy overall and a box of spanners!

Aye, chimes in the Scot, My wife is having an affair with a Doctor - Hidden at the back of the wardrobe I found a white coat and a stethoscope!

That's nothing sobs Paddy, My wife's having an affair with a HORSE, a godddamn Horse!

What ? ask the others in astonishment

'tis true, I swear it;- hidden at the back of the wardrobe I found the Jockey!

[daveismissing]

I was in the "Texas Rose" tavern last night at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (woman) packing a Colt 45 came up behind me and slapped me on the butt.
 
 She said, "Hey Sexy, I dig old guys, how about giving me your number?"
 
 I looked at her and said, "Do you have a pen?"
 
 "I sure do," she answered.
 
 "Well," I said, "You better get back into it before the farmer notices that you're missing."
 
 My dental surgery is on Monday.

[Charlief1]

A Nun is walking through central park when a man with a mask on jumps out of the bushes. He hits her down and then rapes here. As he gets up he looks at the nun and says, "Well sister, what will you tell the father now"? Through her tears she says, "Father, I was walking through central park when and man jumped out with a mask on and raped me twice, unless you're tired".
A Nun is walking through cenrk one evening when a man wearing a mask just out of the bushes, hits her down, and rapes her. When he's done he laughs at the crying nun and says, "so what will you tell the father now, sister". Through her tears she says. "Father, I was walking through central park this evening when a man jumped out of the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired".A Nun is walking through central park one evening when a man wearing a mask just out of the bushes, hits her down, and rapes her. When he's done he laughs at the crying nun and says, "so what will you tell the father now, sister". Through her tears she says. "Father, I was walking through central park this evening when a man jumped out of the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired".

[daveismissing]

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle and whose given name was 'Onestone'.  He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.'
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why???
Everyone knows... You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

 

[daveismissing]

[larrym]

Hell yeah!

[daveismissing]

...

[daveismissing]

[Charlief1]

THE IRISH PROSTITUTE.


An Irish daughter had not been home for over a year.

Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?".

The girl, crying, replied, Sniff, sniff...."Dad. ...I became a prostitute..."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so ye are."

"OK, Daddy -- as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, title deeds to a 10-bedroom mansion plus a $5 million cheque...

For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex...

And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.......... ........... (takes a breath)...... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean and... ."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says Dad.

Girl, crying again, Sniff, sniff...."A prostitute, Daddy!" Sniff, sniff.

"Oh! Ye scared me half to death girl!
I thought ye said a PROTESTANT.
Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

[Just a Six?]

LOL!!!

[daveismissing]

[Charlief1]