Funny Joke thread

[TexasT]

teasip cement, of course

WHOOOOOP!!!

[Steve Wood]

teasip cement, of course

WHOOOOOP!!!

WHOOOOP!

[$1987 GN$]

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid $#^!#...why else would I buy dog food??


AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

What Makes 100%?

 What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
                
                Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
                
                If:
                A B C D E F G H I J K L M
                N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
                
                is represented as:
                1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
                13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
                22 23 24 25 26.
                
                Then:
                
                H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
                8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
                
                
                and
                
                
                K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
                11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
                = 96%
                
                But,
                
                A-T  -T -I -T  -U -D-E
                1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
                
                And,
                
                B -U  -L  -L -S -H-I -T
                2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
                
                AND, look how far ass kissing
                will take you.
                
                A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
                1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
                = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
 that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there,
its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Well there you all now know.

AJ___

[Steve Wood]

One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.  

        "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."

  The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.  
        "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."  
        So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."

 The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?"  The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:



        "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."

[Steve Wood]

A  Somali arrives in Vancouver as a  new immigrant to Canada .  He  stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says  ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing,  money for food, free  medical care, free education and no taxes!'
        
        The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am  Mexican.'
        
        The  man goes on and encounters another passer-by. ' Thank you for having such a  beautiful country here in Canada !'
        The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
        
        The  new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand  and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
        
        That person puts up his hand  and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
        He  finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
        She says , 'No, I am  from Africa !'
        Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the  Canadians ?'
        The  African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at  work'

[firebird_1252]

lol

[$1987 GN$]

yup

AJ___

[turbobuickltd]

JOKE OF THE YEAR:

Two women were sitting quietly togeather, minding their own business.

[turbobuickltd]

JOKE OF THE YEAR:

Two women were sitting quietly togeather, minding their own business.

[SuperSix]

That was so funny - he had to post it twice?

Did Nasty Wendy take over your account?

[SuperSix]

[DCEPTCN]

Any opinions on who does the best version of The Aristocrats?

[turbobuickltd]

That was so funny - he had to post it twice?

Did Nasty Wendy take over your account?

don"t think she did....  double post must have been the whiskey :tonqe:

[$1987 GN$]

It's a Canadian classic folks !..........

As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a