The Official IHADAV8 Joke Thread!

[Wrecked Em]

[$1987 GN$]

Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, "Listen up, Buddy.  I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . it doesn't matter to me.  I've been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it." Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "'No kidding. I'm a lawyer, too. What firm are you with?"

AJ___

[$1987 GN$]

Ken  and  Edna





Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year,

And every year Ken would say,

'Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said,

'Edna, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied,

"Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Ken and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'


Ken replied,

[Charlief1]

LOL

[$1987 GN$]

DIVORCE versus MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,

"I'd like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law!  I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[$1987 GN$]

WHY NEWFIES CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Jim and Bud are out in the woods hunting when suddenly
Bud grabs his chest and falls to the ground.
He doesn't seem to be breathing ; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Jim whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He gasps to the operator, "By t'undering Jesus, I tink Bud is dead! What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,

"Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence...... and then a gun shot is heard.

Jim comes back on the line : "Okay, now what?"


AJ___

[daveismissing]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.


I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."


"My, my," I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

[SuperSix]

I went to the doctor to get a physical.

After he starts, the first thing he tells me is that i have to stop masturbating.

I asked him "Why?"

He said "Because I'm trying to examine you".

[Recklessrob]

A Guy walks up to his girlfriend:
 Guy: Hi Babe. :-)
 Girl: Hi :-)
 Guy: Wanna see a magic trick ?
 Girl: Sure !
 Guy: Abracadabra, Poof ! You're single !!!

[daveismissing]

 In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his
 wisdom.

 One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do
 you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"
 "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to
 pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
 'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

 "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about
 Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The
 first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
 about to tell me is true?"

 "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

 "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or
 not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what
 you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

 "No, on the contrary..."

 "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes
 that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

 The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may
 still pass the third test though, because there is a third filter, the
 filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going
 to be useful to me?"

 "No, I'm not sure really."

 "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True
 nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"
 The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates
 was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

 It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging
 his wife.

[SuperSix]

[daveismissing]

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said,"Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
 
 Now ... I have a $500,000.00 home, a $35,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman.It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
 
 My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
 
 Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

[daveismissing]

A guy was seated next to a 10-year-old girl on an airplane. Being bored, he turned to the girl and said,

[$1987 GN$]

Oldie but interesting 

Fall Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sat., September 24, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a   Bath  Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to  Parallel   Park  In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined   

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Upon completion of ANY of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

[Charlief1]

Another Little Johnny joke!!!

Little Johnny.... The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.



Little Sally led off: "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good, Sally." said the teacher.


Little Mary was next: "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Mary." said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. ...



Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash onto the teacher's desk. "$2,467.00," he said. "$2,467.00!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny. "I set up a Chip and Dip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing - "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!" Then I would say, "It is dog crap . wanna' buy a toothbrush?" "You see, I used the Obama approach of giving them something shitty for free and then making 'em pay to get the bad taste out of their mouth."