Funny Joke thread

[SuperSix]

There was a knock on the door this morning.
      I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
      "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
      I said "Come in and sit down."
      I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"

      He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."

[phil_long]

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.  "just where the heck do you think you're going!," said the man. 'Im going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!!'  The man said, 'wait a minute!,' and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.  'Where the heck are you going?,' says the wifre.  The man said, "i want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

[phil_long]

What Makes 100%?

 What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
 Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
 

[Wrecked Em]

[SuperSix]

Sadly, her talents would be wasted on me.  

[daveismissing]

Awww, teletubby...  

 

[Charlief1]

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress..
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose?' she asked. 'You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful part of Hill Country he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'


***POOF***


He was turned into a tampon.


Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

[Charlief1]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money

problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.

He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed,

Lost in DC

-------------------------------------------------- -

Dear Lost:

Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!

Signed,

Abby :rofl;

[$1987 GN$]

OoooooooooHHHH HHH

[$1987 GN$]

http://www.akinator.mobi/us

AJ___

[daveismissing]

...

[$1987 GN$]

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, '!!%%'

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-*+%!% TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON-OF-A-*+%!%' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative and useful.

AJ___

[SuperSix]

[SuperSix]

Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.
 
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.

The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And, the fans would love it!"
Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right; I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone pale, Barack asks what is wrong.

The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!

[Steve Wood]

we could only hope!