IHADAV8.com - Turbo Buick Tech, and Nonsense
General => IHADAV8 Playground => Topic started by: Steve Wood on December 23 2010, 06:10:48 PM
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
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misogynist
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Genius.
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So which thread are we gonna use?
AJ___
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funny ones go here....as the title suggests
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Newfie bank loan
A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer.
He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 however he was not a depositor of the bank.The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a Buick. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Newfie produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Newfie for using a $100,000 Buick as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Buick into the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionai re.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?'
The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'
AJ___
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
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Two couples were playing poker one evening.
Tim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear
under her dress! Shocked by this, Tim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Tim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you like under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, Tim admitted that, well indeed he did.
She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Tim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Tim didn't, Tim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Tim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp - and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. Tim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: "Did Tim come by the house this afternoon?"
With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon."
Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, "He came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."
Now THAT, my friends, is a pokerplayer!
AJ___
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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.
A teenager walked up to the bench and sat down.
He had spiked hair in all different colors:green, red,orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared. Every time the teenager looked, the old man was staring.
The teenager finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was wondering if you were my son."
AJ___
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Zap walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
Zap says, "No, I'm from Canada."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"
Zap says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us. :)
AJ___
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true story
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MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
U.S. Air Force Manual
---------------------------------------------
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur
---------------------------------------------
"You, you, and you .... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
> ---------------------------------------------
"Tracers work both ways."
- U.S. Army Ordnance
---------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
---------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... .Once."
---------------------------------------------
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
---------------------------------------------
Clean it, if it's Dirty.
Oil it, if it Squeaks.
But: Don't Screw with it if it Works!
USAF Electronic Technician
----------------------------------------------------------------
"If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him."
USAF - Ammo Troop
--------------------------------------------
"Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ,
I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
---------------------------------------------
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore ( test pilot, SR-71 )
---------------------------------------------
A Navigator's Definition of Latitude & Longitude:
Latitude is Where We are Lost,
&
Longitude is How Long We've been Lost There!
USAF Navi-guesser
--------------------------------------------
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
---------------------------------------------
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- however, it's probably unsafe in any case "
---------------------------------------------
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine air plane, you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
---------------------------------------------
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies;
If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
---------------------------------------------
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
> and
"Oh Sh..t!"
--------------------------------------------
"Airspeed, altitude and brains.
Two out of three are needed to successfully complete the flight."
--------------------------------------------
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation.
We never left one up there!"
---------------------------------------------
"Flying the air plane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground who is incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
-------------------------------------------
"The Piper Cub is the safest air plane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
---------------------------------------------
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime."
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
---------------------------------------------
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Heard muttered by Dale Woods!
---------------------------------------------
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked
when it takes FULL power to taxi to the terminal."
---------------------------------------------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks, "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "Beats the sh...t outta me, I just got here myself."
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An Aggie was walking down the street and saw a sign that said "wet cement". So he did. :D :rolleyes;
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teasip cement, of course
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Nasty Wendy walks into an H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him
that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we
begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her proper name,
address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What's your
occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says..
The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No,
No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
Nasty Wendy says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being
a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
MERRY CHRISTMAS AJ___
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teasip cement, of course
WHOOOOOP!!!
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teasip cement, of course
WHOOOOOP!!!
WHOOOOP!
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I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Pal at Big W and standing inline at the check out.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Pal Diet again although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.
Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned. I told her no; it was because I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.
I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.
Stupid $#^!#...why else would I buy dog food??
AJ___
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What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M
N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21
22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A -R -D-W-O -R -K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K -N -O -W-L -E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5
= 96%
But,
A-T -T -I -T -U -D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B -U -L -L -S -H-I -T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing
will take you.
A-S -S -K -I -S-S -I -N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7
= 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty,
that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close,
and Attitude will get you there,
its the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.
Well there you all now know.
AJ___
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One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift.
"How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot. Chet began to sing: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! ..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot. Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with: " Silent Night, Holy Night..."
The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed.
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you."
So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned: "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..." The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know. "Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...."
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A Somali arrives in Vancouver as a new immigrant to Canada . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says ... 'Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me in this country, giving me housing, money for food, free medical care, free education and no taxes!'
The passer-by says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. ' Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada !'
The person says, 'I not Canadian, I Vietnamese.'
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful Canada !'
That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am not Canadian !'
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you a Canadian ?'
She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'
Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Canadians ?'
The African lady checks her watch and says ...'Probably at work'
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lol
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yup
AJ___
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JOKE OF THE YEAR:
Two women were sitting quietly togeather, minding their own business.
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JOKE OF THE YEAR:
Two women were sitting quietly togeather, minding their own business.
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That was so funny - he had to post it twice?
Did Nasty Wendy take over your account?
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(http://www.icanhasinternets.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/34130_540.jpg)
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Any opinions on who does the best version of The Aristocrats?
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That was so funny - he had to post it twice?
Did Nasty Wendy take over your account?
don"t think she did.... double post must have been the whiskey :tonqe:
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It's a Canadian classic folks !..........
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11, a
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LOL
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Old guys are always considerate...
I was in Costco, London, the other day, pushing a cart around, when I collided with a young guy also pushing his cart.
I said to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.."
The young guy says, "That's OK. It's just a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.
So, I said, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 years old, tall, with blond hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"
I said, "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
AJ___[flipv][/flipv]
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?
*The wife and I were at home watching TV.*
*I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a*
*fishing channel and the porn channel.*
*She became more and more annoyed and finally said:*
*"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!*
*You already know how to fish!"*
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?
*The wife and I were at home watching TV.*
*I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a*
*fishing channel and the porn channel.*
*She became more and more annoyed and finally said:*
*"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!*
*You already know how to fish!"*
OUCH ! ! !
AJ___
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Things Got Ya Down? Well Then, Consider These . . ..
In a hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the super natural.
No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 AM Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 AM all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson , the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.
AJ___
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Still think you are having a Bad Day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
AJ___
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In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point. The question was
where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently, it's Africa.
I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new
children's iPod after realizing that iTouch Kids is not a good product
name.
There's a new Muslim clothing shop opened in Durban, but I've been
banned from it after asking to look at some bomber jackets.
A biker goes to the doctor with hearing problems. "Can you
describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor. "Yes. Homer is a fat
yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."
A mate of mine has just told me he's screwing his girlfriend and
her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her
brother's got a mustache."
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip,
I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel
in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular
porn, you sick bastard."
AJ___
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LOL....I like the South African ones best!
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LOL
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EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears..'
'How much do you charge?'
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll sleep on it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'
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LOL
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Welfare Check
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it.."
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to true to be funny, but, I laughed anyway
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Mother's lack of faith is disturbing
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R55e-uHQna0&feature=player_embedded
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There are no bargains in the basement !!
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
(scroll and keep reading!)
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store-owner opened a "New Wives Store" just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
T he second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited
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(http://i10.photobucket.com/albums/a138/sho_nuff1997/img4d47ab4551f0a.jpg)
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(http://i681.photobucket.com/albums/vv171/JohnRob_album/naughty-memes-do-i-want-this.jpg)
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You're an EXTREME redneck when....
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying 'Hey, guys, watch this'.
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines'.
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
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husband farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and looks at his wife on the bed and says, "see... this is the fat old goat I've been bangin!"
wife says, "you stupid idiot! that's not a goat!!!"
husband says, "I wasn't talking to you!"
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husband farmer walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm and looks at his wife on the bed and says, "see... this is the fat old goat I've been bangin!"
wife says, "you stupid idiot! that's not a goat!!!"
husband says, "I wasn't
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He's a yankee AJ, not a southerner. Can't you tell by his posts?
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oh'snapp is a southerner :smokin:
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oh'snapp is a southerner
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(http://imgur.com/YkCQA.jpg)
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not funny
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The Perfect Husband
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000.
They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra $80,000 if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
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A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She
came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read. 'And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of
straw and said: 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'
The teacher paused then asked the class: 'And what do you think the man said?'
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter-of-factly...'I think the
man would have said - 'I'll be a son of a bitch!! A talking pig!'
The teacher had to leave the room
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LOL
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Not mine but g00d.
A member of parliament met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $2500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a cheque and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.' On the way to his office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a cheque for 1250 and enclosed the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a cheque for $1250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place.
I was under the impression that:
1 - it had never been occupied;
2 - there was plenty of heat;
3 - it was small enough to make me feel cosy and at home.
However, I since realised that:
1 - it had been previously occupied,
2 - there wasn't any heat, and
3 - it was entirely too large.'
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately sent the following note:
Dear Sir:
1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
2 - As for the heat, there was plenty of it, if you had aspired to turn it on.
3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you didn't have enough furniture to fill it, then the management could not be held responsible. Therefore please send the other half of the agreed rent or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...
AJ___
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Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.Looking up to heaven he said,'Lord take pity on me.If you find me a parking place
I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said,never mind, I found one.
~~~~~~~~~~
Paddy was in New York .
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
`````````````
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in
the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the
car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and
knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National De fence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in
your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow
man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
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Three blondes were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.
The first blonde said, "Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde said, "No, those are elk tracks."
The third blonde said, "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."
The blondes were still arguing when the train hit them.
-
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government,
complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists)
being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of
treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian
Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government
and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan
National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were
heard loud and clear here in Ottawa .
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of
National De fence, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for
Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided
to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for
transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto
next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be
cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your
letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers.
We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of
care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in
your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will
help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural
differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat
and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or
nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your
next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from
common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except
sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known
to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new
dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over
time. Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and
religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like
you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our
fellow
man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we'll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
Sad but probably true. :(
AJ___
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(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c14/Chaseisme/Funny/godscreatures.jpg)
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(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c14/Chaseisme/Funny/Protection.jpg)
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(http://i24.photobucket.com/albums/c14/Chaseisme/Funny/SymbolsofHope.jpg)
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A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No", he replies,"I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What"s so special about it?" The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically ." The lady says, "What"s it telling you now?" Well, it says you"re not wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing"s an hour fast."
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A Texas stae trooper is driving down the highway and sees a car on the side of the road. He's required by law to stop and offer assitance. As he walks closer with his hand on his sidearm, he notices a lady trapped under the hood of the car. Walking slowly foward and carefully he says, "You alright mam"? She responds "HELP, HELP! MY CAR BROKE DOWN AND I WAS RAPED BY A COWBOY"!
The officer lifts the hood off her and asks "How do you know it was a coyboy mam? What happened?"
"Well as I was driving down the highway my car started making a noise so I pulled over. I lifted the hood to take a look and the hood came down on me trapping me under it. I heard a vehicle pull up with loud exhast and the smell of butllshit. I yelled that I was trapped under the hood and he asked if I could move. When I told him that I couldn't move at all he asked me if I was sure. That's when he raped me!.
The officer not sure how to handle this asked her "how do you know it was a cowboy mam?"
She calmly told she new exaly how to identify a cowboy. "He had a great big belt buckle and a little bitty dick!"
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A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning....
Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table.
He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.
'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-arses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....
'I HAVEN'T MADE THE $@%^&$ PORRIDGE YET !
Not mine but funny.
AJ___
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The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open.. His assistant walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he'd closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.
As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood his assistant's question about his 'garage door.'
He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'
She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old mini van with two flat tires..
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Old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Beats the shit out of me, I've never gotten this far before."
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A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. "just where the heck do you think you're going!," said the man. 'Im going to Las Vegas', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!!' The man said, 'wait a minute!,' and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand. 'Where the heck are you going?,' says the wifre. The man said, "i want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"
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What Makes 100%?
What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?
Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?
We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.
How about achieving 103%?
What makes up 100% in life?
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Sadly, her talents would be wasted on me. :sad;
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Awww, teletubby...
:sad;
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the Texas plains without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing a FEMA (Federal Emergency Management Agency) ID badge and a dull gray dress..
There's a calculator in her pocketbook.
She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
'Well, cowboy,' says the genie....You know how I work....You have three wishes.'
'I'm not falling for this.' said the cowboy.... 'I'm not going to trust a FEMA genie.'
'What do you have to lose?' she asked. 'You've got no transportation and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'
The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right.
'OK!, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink..'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful part of Hill Country he has ever seen
And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish.'
'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'
***POOF***
The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish.
Better make it a good one!'
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says...
'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'
***POOF***
He was turned into a tampon.
Moral of the story:
If the government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.
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Dear Abby,
My husband has a long record of money
problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money.
He says pay the minimum and lets our kids worry about the rest, but already we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also he has been so arrogant and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. Also, he has gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics and the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims.. Finally, the last straw. He's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?
Signed,
Lost in DC
-------------------------------------------------- -
Dear Lost:
Stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything for you. You can divorce the jerk any time you want. The rest of us are stuck with the SOB for two more years!
Signed,
Abby :rofl;
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OoooooooooHHHH HHH
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http://www.akinator.mobi/us
AJ___
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...
(http://i.imgur.com/zaKXf.jpg)
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Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, '!!%%'
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes , trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
SON-OF-*+%!% TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'SON-OF-A-*+%!%' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Hope you found this informative and useful.
AJ___
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:cool;
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Barack and Michelle are at the White Sox game.
Sitting in the first row with the Secret Service people directly behind them, one of The Secret Service guys leans forward and says something to the president. Barack stares at the guy, looks at Michelle, looks back at the agent, and shakes his head violently.
The agent then says, "Mr. President, it was a unanimous request, from the owner of the team down to the bat boy. And, the fans would love it!"
Barack shrugs his shoulders and says, "If that's what the people want."
He gets up, grabs Michelle by her collar and the seat of her pants, and drops her right over the wall into the field. She gets up kicking, swearing, and screaming -- and the crowd goes wild, cheering, applauding, and high-fiving.
Barack is bowing and smiling, and leans over to the agent and says, "You were right; I would have never believed that!"
Then noticing the agent has gone pale, Barack asks what is wrong.
The agent replies, "Sir, I said, they want you to throw out the first PITCH!
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we could only hope!
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AJ___
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The Irish Millionaire
Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 euros.
"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?
a) Sparrow
b) Thrush,
c) Magpie,
d) Cuckoo?"
"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin ..."
Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.
"Fookin hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm fookin sure."
Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.
"Dat it is."
There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"
"Because he lives in a Fookin clock!"
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Top Ten Reasons Why Men Prefer Guns Over Women
And here we go...
#10 - You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9 - You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.
#8 - If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.
#7 - Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.
#6 - Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5 - A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4 - Guns function normally every day of the month.
#3 - A gun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2 - A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the Number One reason
Why Men Prefer Guns over women.....
#1 - You can buy a silencer for a gun
AJ___
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LOL So very true!
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Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty,the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her,when all of a sudden,she begins to cough, clutching her throat,and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress).
One said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!' The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,"Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.
At which point, the first Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that hind lick maneuver really does work!"
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Now for the real story. :O :add_wegbrech:
A Texan and a Kansan were seated at the end of a bar when a gorgeous young lady sits down at the other end and orders a martini. Stunned by her beauty, the two guys stare at her for awhile, debating whether to approach her,when all of a sudden,she begins to cough, clutching her throat,and begin to turn blue. (obviously in serious respiratory distress).
The Texan said to the Kansan, "That there gal is having a bad time!' The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "Go ahead," said the Texan, and with that the Kansan ran over and said, "Can you speak?" She shook her head no. He then asked,"Can you breath?" She again shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. She was so shocked by the act, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with embarrassed relief.
At which point, the Texan looked at his friend and exclaimed, I guess that Kansas hind lick maneuver works on more than the sheep you're used to!" :add_wegbrech:
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(http://i.imgur.com/8MKeR.jpg)
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LOL :)
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a
good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to
sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful
friend.
'Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.
"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies
and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that
Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is
approximately a quarter past three.
"Meteorological ly, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day
tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that
we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it
tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone
has stolen our tent!"
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BARACK OBAMA: The chicken crossed the road because it was time for a change! The chicken wanted change!
JOHN McCAIN: My friends, that chicken crossed the road because he recognized the need to engage in cooperation and dialogue with all the chickens on the other side of the road.
HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken to cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DICK CHENEY: Where's my shotgun?
COLIN POWELL: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.
BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with that chicken. What is your definition of chicken?
AL GORE: I invented the chicken.
JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
AL SHARPTON: Why are all the chickens white? We need some black chickens.
DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on this side of the road before it goes after the problem on the other side of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his current problems before adding new problems.
OPRAH: Well, I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.
ANDERSON COOPER, CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
NANCY GRACE: That chicken crossed the road because he's guilty! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.
DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain, alone.
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth? That's why they call it the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be crossing the road. It's as plain and as simple as that.
GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.
BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heartwarming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its lifelong dream of crossing the road.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together, in peace.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2008, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet Explorer is an integral part of eChicken2008. This new platform is much more stable and will never crash.
ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
COLONEL SANDERS: What?, Did I miss one?
-
(http://26.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m0m94rKywu1rru72zo1_500.jpg)
-
.....
-
Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...
the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.
"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."
"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.
"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
-
(http://i.imgur.com/pOOyQ.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/wbgWn.jpg)
-
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, "Yankele and
Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?"
The wise old Rabbi answers, "Yankele will marry you. Yosele will
be the lucky one."
______________ ______________ ______________ _________
If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses
an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
------------------------------------------------------------
My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the
family." I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a
schmuck?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Jewish Marriage advice: "Don't marry a beautiful person. They may
leave you. Of course, an ugly person may leave you too. But who
cares?"
--------------------------------------------------------
The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."
The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."
The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."
The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."
The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."
The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."
---------------------------------------------------------
Jewish proverb: "A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but
she'll never forget what she forgave."
------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses
paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude
woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something
extra that the President of the shul arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the
President of the shul and shouts, "Greenblatt, what were you
thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our
religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard
the end of this"
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, "Where are you going? I'm not
angry with you."
-
Frozen Crabs & the Blonde Stewardess
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ..... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think
-
Two cannibals were eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. So they charged one and let the other one off.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
-
You are now stooping to my level
-
You are now stooping to my level
Nowhere near that low.
-
You are now stooping to my level
this is getting close to Dave's level
"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's not unusual."
-
Thank you for making me draw even more attention to m'self across the cubicle farm.
ROAR LOL etc
Nice to work in a environ of braniacs and eccentrics, one ALMOST blends in....
PS Supersix: up yours
-
And this just shared with me:
"Robin Gibb may be seriously ill and in a coma, but at least
he's staying alive."
-
how do you sink an Irish submarine
knock on the door
how do you confuse an Irishman
put him in a round room and tell him to sit in a corner
how do you confuse another Irishman
line up 3 shovels and tell him to take his pick
-
And this just shared with me:
"Robin Gibb may be seriously ill and in a coma, but at least
he's staying alive."
:rofl:
-
And this just shared with me:
"Robin Gibb may be seriously ill and in a coma, but at least
he's staying alive."
LOL...like it
-
(http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m2rlue9mAz1rtosl4o1_400.jpg)
-
Bee Gees singer Robin Gibb wakes from coma and he said "I am Stayin Alive"
-
Woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me up"
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a mouthful of sweet tea and swish it around in your mouth. Keep on swishing, don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep".
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor; that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the tea do that?"
The Doctor says…….
……."The tea does bugger all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick!"
-
(Heard this on a late night show last night)
Obama is having a Cinco de Mayo party at the White House tonight. To keep with tradition, guest will have to jump the fence to get in!
-
What is a Cinco de Mayo party?
AJ___
-
What is a Cinco de Mayo party?
AJ___
http://www.history.com/topics/cinco-de-mayo (http://www.history.com/topics/cinco-de-mayo)
Cinco de Mayo—or the fifth of May—commemorates the Mexican army's 1862 victory over France at the Battle of Puebla during the Franco-Mexican War (1861-1867). A relatively minor holiday in Mexico, in the United States Cinco de Mayo has evolved into a celebration of Mexican culture and heritage, particularly in areas with large Mexican-American populations. Cinco de Mayo traditions include parades, mariachi music performances and street festivals in cities and towns across Mexico and the United States.
-
Interesting, I did some research after you posted that as I had no idea.
My question is why would someone celebrate not paying a debt ?
AJ___
-
http://www.youtube.com/v/wCpBibIt10o?version=3&autohide=1 (http://www.youtube.com/v/wCpBibIt10o?version=3&autohide=1)
Ouch
AJ___
-
Sinko Da Mayo
-
:rofl:
-
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days.
-
Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control at Charles de Gaulle airport, Paris.
"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.
"German," she replies.
"Occupation?"
"No, just here for a few days.
Fawlty Towers - Don't mention the war.mpg (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7xnNhzgcWTk#)
-
:rofl:
-
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot of Novocain.
"No way! No needles. I hate needles" the patient said.
The Dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
"I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on, suffocates me!"
The Dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
"No objection," the patient says. "'I'm fine with pills."
The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra."
The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"
It doesn't" said the dentist, "but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth!"
-
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
-
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
:rofl: :rofl:
-
(http://i.imgur.com/RXbWL.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/RXbWL.jpg)
:O
-
yes, he does~
-
(http://i.imgur.com/hdYLn.jpg)
-
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't
mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the
duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing
round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the
duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn
more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag
and proceeds to read it. So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer,
eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks. Then one day the circus comes
to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to
him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that
could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats
sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business
card. 'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good
money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' says the barman.
'The circus?' repeats the duck.
'That's right,' replies the barman.
'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages and performers who live in
caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in
the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .
'What the f *** would they want with a plasterer ??!'
-
:rofl: :rofl:
-
An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love, Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie
-
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
some of the guys here already read this one
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went to the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast. I looked to see what she was cooking, and I saw one of my socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?", I asked. "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk", she replied. Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
-
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: For all 3 of you. :rock:
-
(http://i.imgur.com/7hpMy.jpg)
-
:rofl:
-
I wish we had good tv like them there Canucks
Just For Laughs - Jesus Makes Money (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8DgTnPq2S4#ws)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/ep8CU.jpg)
-
Prius = funny car for funny people. :O
-
(http://i.imgur.com/2fLBA.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/z9YLT.jpg)
-
3 guys walk into a bar
http://www.hell.tv/t/videos/11311/magic-apples.html (http://www.hell.tv/t/videos/11311/magic-apples.html)
-
That's just wrong :rofl: :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and
thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to
see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History and Logic.
"What's 'Logic'?", the first redneck asks.
The professor answers by saying: "Let me give you an example.
Do you own a weedeater"?
"Yup. Sure do".
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard", replied the
professor.
"That's real good!" says the redneck.
The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have
a yard, you also own a house."
Impressed, the redneck says: "Amazin'!"
"And, since you own a house, logic dictates that you probably have a
wife".
"That's Betty-Mae! This is incredible!"
The redneck is obviously catching on.
"Finally, since you have a wife, I can logically conclude that you
are heterosexual", said the professor.
"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinatin' thing I
ever did hear! I can't wait to take that there logic class!!"
The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back
into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting. "So what classes
are ya takin'?" asks the friend.
"Math, History and Logic!" replies the first redneck.
"What in tarnation is 'Logic'??" asked his friend.
"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first
redneck.
"No", his friend replied.
"Fag!"
-
:rofl:
-
Wisdom of An Older Man
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
'Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, 'Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?'
'I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she appears out of nowhere.'</blockquote>
-
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00 His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?
Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"
The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
-
3 guys walk into a bar
http://www.hell.tv/t/videos/11311/magic-apples.html (http://www.hell.tv/t/videos/11311/magic-apples.html)
Okay... that was good. :rofl:
-
:rofl:
-
Heading to Mexico! :028:
-
Heading to Mexico! :028: (http://www.ihadav8.com/forum/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=1972.0;attach=1267;image)
That is funny. But so true.
AJ___
-
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make my girlfriend look more appealing.
-
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'.
-
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.
He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars,' the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard'.
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
-
(http://i.imgur.com/ebYel.jpg)
-
(http://i.imgur.com/Z33sj.jpg)
-
:rofl: :rofl: :rofl: Two good ones Dave, good way to start my day.
-
(http://i.imgur.com/SwZs3.png)
-
An Irish Family Tradition
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.
On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.