Those are Evers and Wood class. I'll not say whether that's good or bad. :cool;
All good except for the gas tation one...the last one really *is* the best. Hey, howsabout a new all joke thread?
Oldie for sure, but one of my fave wife joke:
A man driving home picks up an indian hitchhiker. The indian, after getting into the car, notices a bottle of wine on the floor and asks "Yours?"
"Yeah, I got it for the wife." Says the driver.
"Good trade".
Where is Jack Evers when you need him?
:mad;
What do you call a Buckethead loving, 6'4" Dodge driving behemoth that goes around with his zipper down?
Racer XYZ
Abe Lincoln told that one to Booth and the rest is history.
So three midgets are sitting around talking and they decide to enter the Guinness Book of Records. Great idea they all claim. The first one goes to the office and tells the Book rep; hi I think I have the smallest hands. H"is hands are measured and 45 minutes later he walks out the door with the new record.
Alright! The second one yells, I'm next. The second midget walks in and says he has the smallest feet.
Excuse me while I go execute myself.
Third midget, "No who the fuck is Sylvan?"
What a coincidence, I think I just set a record for the longest distance from which anyone has ever seen a punchline coming.
Third midget, "No who the fuck is Sylvan?"
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain ,Fvery hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece , gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain , with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel , has been through war and doesn't make the same mistakes twice,
This board is frequented by artists and musicians, so they may not understand heterosexual themed jokes.
I think we need to perform an exorcism to get Zap out of Strawdawg's brain.
A young cowboy from Wyoming goes off to college, but halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.
He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue, how to talk!'
'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him down here with $1,000' the young cowboy says. 'I'll get him in the course.'
So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?,' his father asks.
'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this - they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'
'Read!' says his father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives in town?'
The father exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid went on to be a successful lawyer........ .
Exercise him?
So, when is someone going to post a joke?
The cat on his ass looks like the one that adapted me.
OK class todays word is necisarrily, can anyone use the word in a sentence."Probibly Zap.
The lady asked the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Yes," he answered.
She said, "Can you get it over the counter?"
"I can, if I take two," he replied.
Blonde:
"It's called 'Head Cleaner'"
I am having deja vu.
that was very cute.
Quote from: "Strawdawg @ Thu Feb 05, 2009 10:11 pm"that was very cute.
There once was a farmer from Eden
And an ugly bastard Tops Peeden'
One day Zap shot the two
and Made a big Stew
And Fed them to a cannibal from Sweden
:mad:
Quote from: "Zap @ Thu Feb 05, 2009 8:29 pm"There once was a farmer from Eden
And an ugly bastard Tops Peeden'
One day Zap shot the two
and Made a big Stew
And Fed them to a cannibal from Sweden
:mad:
Weak.......... . :finga:
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads: "Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through teller machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.mvpro4. jpg
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Reinsert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and reenter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Recheck makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake
Quote from: "Recklessrob @ Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:57 pm"
Quote from: "DCEPTCN @ February 13th 2009"Quote from: "Recklessrob @ Fri Feb 13, 2009 6:57 pm"
http://a6.vox.com/6a00d41440059a685e0110180c008e860f-500pi
I am trying to figure out who would have their kids do this?
(http://i49.photobucket.com/albums/f273/Cristian619/Misc%204/summers_eve_truth_advertising.jpg)
That one got sent out as an email.:)hrmmm yeah it was, just thought it needed to be re-posted.
(http://i.imgur.com/GDecU.jpg)
All LIES!!!!
All LIES!!!!
ocation, location, locationAs a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical male, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family or friends. I played like I've never played before, all for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, and we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years." Apparently I was still lost.
:)
The first car with an actual refrigeration system was the 1939 Packard. It consisted of a large evaporator, called the 'cooling coil,' which took up the entire trunk space. The only control was a blower switch. Packard, in fact, ran its advertising as, "Forget the heat this summer in the only air-conditioned car in the world.
Cadillac followed suit in 1941 with 300 air-conditioned cars. All of these early air-conditioning systems had one big drawback: there was no compressor clutch, so the pump was on when the engine was running. To shut the system off, one had to stop, get out, open the hood, and remove the belt. It wasn't until after WWII that Cadillac advertised a new, high-tech feature: the air-conditioning controls. The controls were located on the rear package shelf, which meant that the driver had to climb into the back seat to shut the system off. Yet it was still better than reaching under the hood.
The Harrison Radiator Division of General Motors may be credited with developing the first efficient, affordable unit that could be made in mass production. It was available as an option on all 1954 Pontiacs with V8s. It featured a two-cylinder reciprocating compressor, and an all-brazed condenser. It also used a magnetic clutch, so when it was not in use, no power was needed to drive the compressor, which improved performance and fuel economy.
Works better than Rube, Walt, Gary, and LilAre you referring to me? I'd be really offended, only I gave a shit. :rock: :atbeer:
Is that experience, sarcasm or pity there Steve; or a bit of all?Old age since he's posted it before. :rofl:
Just curious.
AJ___
Anvil shooting?It's an old way to celebrate events Gary. :rock:
I'm glad I asked, sound almost like a dare :OIt sounds like a cannon going off if it's done right and it would get the attention of the neighbors for sure. I've got 1 small anvil and am looking for another so I can do this on the 4th next year. :rofl:
| [/size]An old cowboy walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his [/size]cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells [/size]the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the [/size]cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had [/size]swallowed that little ball. The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days
|
Words of wisdom when driving through Texas.
> When you are over sixty who gives a shit?
>
>
An old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her...
..One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, officer.
"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"
"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my backyard is next to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knothole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?‘
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knothole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it, and say, 'OK, buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"That seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Not everybody pays."
LOL
LOLpics or it didn't happen!
-_-
Sent while curing depression with boost.
-_-
Sent while curing depression with boost.
deathraider is asian? squinting?
Don and his wife, Anne, were driving home one very cold night in Wisconsin, when Anne yells at him to stop the car. Anne jumps out and picks up a little bundle that was laying in the road. She brings it back to the car and it turns out it was a baby skunk. It was barely alive, but very cold.
Anne says, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"
Don says, "Okay, get in the car with it."
"Where shall I put it to keep it warm?
"Put it between your legs. It ought to be nice and warm there."
Anne says, "But what about the smell?"
"Just hold his little nose."
Don is expected to recover, but the skunk, she used to beat him, died at the scene.
(http://lefunny.net/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Funny-troll-husband.jpg)